


Love Yourself

by Amlika



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: ChanSoo - Freeform, Fluff, Love w a little angst, M/M, Romance, canon ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:38:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12263484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amlika/pseuds/Amlika
Summary: Chanyeol gets an unexpected visitor at his tiny recording studio.





	Love Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> To commemorate an amazing chansoo moment that occurred almost a year ago <3

Real men don't cry.

That's what dad said disapprovingly, as he explained the death of a pet to the young Chanyeol, and watched as the usually cheerful kid broke down into pieces. The dance instructor at SM uttered the same thing years later, while contemplating out loud whether Chanyeol was qualified to be a trainee. Then there were the thousands of netizen comments that flooded in after the Law of the Jungle episode aired, showing a teary eyed Chanyeol next to an injured teammate.

Real men don't cry, because it’s weak and pathetic, they say.

Those sharp, hurtful words use to get to him, when his heart was young and open for the world to see. But eventually the wounds would scab and heal, and the heart becomes more resilient. It's just the nature of things, everyone finds a way to cope. And Chanyeol’s way is through his eternally optimistic persona. A diplomatic smile, or a cheerful Instagram comment in the face of overwhelming criticism - unwavering joy takes effort, but Chanyeol doesn't mind, especially if it means making others happy. As Jongin once commented haphazardly while watching him goof around with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol is made of happiness and passion, and he has so much of both to give, enough for the whole world to share.

But the flip side of all this - and there's usually a flip side, in this game of trade-offs called life - is that the world tends to forget that Chanyeol is still human. Occasionally, after the noise fades away and the crowd departs, the weight of the world becomes a little too heavy to bear alone. Sometimes it's in the dorm while watching a sappy flick, other times, in the car, or in this tiny studio of his, away from the prying eyes of the public. Suddenly, all the unnamed emotions he's been holding in would come rushing out, refusing to be suppressed and ignored.

Crying is such an indulgent relief for adults, those salty tears that soak into your soul and gently heal you from the inside out, making you all the stronger when you are finally done and ready to jump back into life to face another day. Chanyeol is used to it by now, so during the taping of the Star 360 show, when he talked about crying alone in the car sometimes, he didn't mind. It's just a dramatic soundbite for the show, he tells himself, another day of doing his job as the entertainer of the group. All the members glanced at him sympathetically, except Kyungsoo, whose eyes were impassive and lingered on him for a moment longer.

Sure, as he mentioned on the show, it would've been nice if he could've talked to someone during those moments of vulnerability. Chanyeol thinks as he sits in the little recording studio all by himself, fidgeting with a piece of music that will probably never be published, as usual.

Well, maybe just to talk to one particular individual, sigh.

Some fragments of memory flash through his mind, of kisses in the dark and fingers intertwined behind the stage, of driving recklessly through the rain to Goheung, after receiving a text with just a screenshot of some prose of poetry-

_I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,_  
_or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off._  
_i love you as certain dark things are to be loved,_  
_in secret, between the shadow and the soul._

Fuck.

Chanyeol shakes his head and tries to rid himself of the lingering thoughts. For fuck’s sake, get it together, Park Chanyeol, you pathetic ball of feels. No need to get melodramatic again. You are a mature grown adult who can handle complex, unconventional relationships, or whatever the hell this bizarre little thing should be called.

What DO you call a thing between two good friends that involve occasional kisses and maybe some sex… Some really mind-blowingly fantastic sex…

Chanyeol sighs, hands pausing on the sound module as his mind wanders. A clusterfuck of awkwardness and frustration, is what you call it. Everybody in the band knows, of their “secret” little affair. Jongin turns a blind eye when Chanyeol sneaks into Kyungsoo’s lower bunk bed at night, and Jongdae lets out a wry chuckle whenever he gets stuck between their loving gazes.

There were concerns at the beginning, whispers and small talks into the dark of the night, hazy and buried into the endless hours of practice. But back then nobody fought very hard about anything, at the brink of exhaustion and with mind in full tension, as the band went through the ups and downs before exploding in success. Then concerns became apathy, and then eventually acceptance. Acceptance that he and Kyungsoo are a thing. Even when they are apart for weeks, or sit besides each other wordlessly, busying themselves with individual tasks, nobody ever questions the strength of their relationship.

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are just always together, in spirit, as something transcending friendship or whatever conventional definition of a relationship people come up with. They disagree constantly, and love provoking each other in public, but all it takes is one glance, the slightest touch between two bodies, or a mindless sigh that escapes and dissipates into the air. Then they belong again. At ease with each other, safe and sound.

Or maybe not?

Chanyeol fidgets with the buttons on the mixing board, feet tapping on the floor impatiently. Every piece of composition he touches tonight sounds dissonant and out of balance. The music resembles his thoughts, scattered and irritated, a jumble of dark notes and dying riffs.

Doggedly he keeps on trying, giving voice to the irritation tugging at his heart, searching for a melody that would capture the way he feels - this sensation lodged in his heart, too heavy to be loneliness, too scattered to be despair.

Kyungsoo’s always gone nowadays. On location at various places, shooting his next project, and the next, and next. As usual, his texts are frustratingly short, mostly consisting of one word answers. The few instances they FaceTimed were sweet and memorable, Kyungsoo’s smile warming him up from the inside out and making him feel vulnerably alone afterwards. Between both their crazy schedules, sometimes they would catch each other over the phone for a brief moment, right before one of them dozes off. Those midnight calls are always filled with silent longing, punctured by the few precious words that never quite capture the myriad of emotions simmering within Chanyeol.

Chanyeol was looking forward to seeing him at the Star 360 taping today, hoping for some time alone, or to at least catch his attention. But as usual, the manager dropped Kyungsoo off right before shooting started, and grabbed him as soon as it ended. All Chanyeol got was a hastily hello, and some brief moments of sweet but diplomatic smile in front of the whole film crew.

Sometimes Chanyeol feels like a man that has everything in the world but also nothing at all. The love of his life remains a vivid shadow in his memories, as he crumbles under the stress of his very public life and cries himself to sleep.

Chanyeol sighs, rubs his eyes wearily, and resumes his focus back to the monitor.

Suddenly he is startled by a quiet knock on the studio door, soft but unmistakably there. Then a pause. As he rushes and opens the door, he's met with the same dark bright eyes that have been plaguing his mind.

Chanyeol stands dumbfounded, as strong and warm arms wrap around him in a tight embrace, “hi.”

The comment is short as usually, making him simultaneously frustrated and jumping for joy. Suddenly everything feels so surreal, the short and firm torso resting by his chest, the soft jet black hair that smells of cedar scented shampoo, and the saccharin yearning that suddenly fills the air in the tiny studio.

“I thought you went back to filming?” Chanyeol's voice comes out a little shakier than he anticipated.

Kyungsoo looks up from the embrace, “asked to stay in town for an extra night. Missed me?”

Chanyeol huffs and tries for a witty retort, but nothing comes out. He retracts himself and hurriedly looks away, pretending to busy himself with tidying up the studio, “you should've texted me, I could've met you at home, or at least somewhere nicer. Did you eat yet? We can always go-”

His rambling is interrupted by the hands on his shoulders from behind, gently pulling on him to turn around. “Yeol,” Kyungsoo’s voice is low and husky, “Yeol, let me see you.”

The kiss comes as a surprise, urgent and full of needs, making him blush and his hands mindlessly search out for purchase. It's been far too long, Chanyeol has almost forgotten the taste of those plump lips, and the firm muscular body underneath the shirt that makes him want to do crazy things, like pinning him down onto the small black couch by the wall and leaving his marks all over him.

When they finally break apart, Chanyeol’s face is flushed, and Kyungsoo has a satisfying smirk on his face. “I've missed you, baby.”

Chanyeol collects his breath and pouts, “but you never call me. I'm always the one that calls first, and even then you barely talk. At the show today, I felt like a stranger…” He tries his best to look nonchalant, but his tone is deflated, betraying his true feelings.

A sigh. Kyungsoo’s voice is soft and quiet, “you know I'm not good with words, but I do miss you, and I try to visit every chance I get. It's just been so crazy, with all the different projects…”

“I suppose.” Chanyeol’s low voice cuts through Kyungsoo’s speech and both fall silent. Chanyeol looks away while standing awkwardly, a little too tall and gangly for the tiny studio room.

He feels Kyungsoo’s hand on his arm, the warmth of his palm radiating through the sleeve. But instead of soothing his scattered mind, it stirs up unexpected feelings, of wordless frustrations that make him want to scream.

But he can't, it's been so long since they've seen each other. Chanyeol refuses to let some perplexing irritation ruin the moment.

So he reaches for Kyungsoo’s hand and turns towards him as his eyes crinkle into a smile, “anyways, I'm happy you are here.” He gestures for them to sit down in front of the computer monitors, and upon noticing the plastic bag in Kyungsoo’s hand, takes it over and starts to lay everything out carefully on the table next to them, “oh wow did you bring me takoyaki chips?”

Chanyeol mumbles as he sorts through the snacks, something about salty food making both of them look puffy tomorrow morning. Then his hands return to the keyboard, and starts to fidget with all the files of the music he created, “...and I've been trying to make songs that are a bit more layered, and playing with synthesized music more, I don't know if it actually sounds good to be honest..”

His tone is hurried, and gaze averted through lidded hoods, afraid his eyes would betray him.

Kyungsoo is silent for a while, before finally piping up again, “what’s wrong?”

The question casts ripples of emotion in Chanyeol’s heart but he soldiers on, hiding behind the cheery facade that he's mastered, “what do you mean? Nothing, just surprised to see you…”

Again he feels the touch of Kyungsoo’s hand, rubbing on his back reassuringly. “What’s wrong, love?”

Something in Chanyeol’s heart breaches, and the words start to gush out before they even take shape on his mind, “I don't - I don't know. Everything? I can't-”

He chokes on the words and stops, face flushed and hands dangling midair. Chanyeol blinks and turns away, hoping that Kyungsoo doesn't see the mist in his eyes.

Kyungsoo’s silent, but his hand on his back stays, rubbing in small circular motions.

Chanyeol starts to mumble, the gravity of his words cutting through the stagnant air, “I don't know, I feel like we are… it's different now.”

A pause, but Kyungsoo eventually responds, “How so?”

“It's… it's hard to describe. Everything used to be so simple, you know. What I love about us so much.” Chanyeol is facing the wall, away from Kyungsoo. “I loved to spend time together, to talk about everything and nothing at all. It was so natural to fall in love, and so easy to just be me. But now…”

“But now?”

Chanyeol purses his lips before continuing, “but now we barely see each other. I get it, schedules. But what scares me is how… how distant we feel. How formal…like you have to be nice to me, and I have to hide it when I cry because...because there have been so many things unsaid between us for so long…”

Kyungsoo sighs. He gestures for the small black couch on the side. Chanyeol scrunches his nose but complies, stepping over to sit down and watches as Kyungsoo sits next to him.

Kyungsoo responds cautiously, “how long have you felt this way?”

“I dunno, a while now.” Chanyeol twists his mouth around and responds, “I'm-I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing now…” Another sigh escapes Kyungsoo’s lips, as his hand reaches for Chanyeol’s messy hair, smoothing it out carefully.

“I dunno. I just miss what we had before…” Chanyeol can feel the sting in his eyes again, and it irritates him. “I miss when we were always together, and I could guess your every move and make you laugh so easily. I miss us. I miss you…”

“Me too.”

Chanyeol lifts his gaze and meets the tenderness in Kyungsoo’s eyes. “I think about you all the time when I'm on set.”

“You do?” Chanyeol murmurs, half to himself. “But you always seem so focused on work, and hanging out with your coworkers. And you always sound tired over the phone…”

“Well, it is tiring.” Kyungsoo’s response elicits a pang of guilt out of Chanyeol right away, but he curbs it and listens.

“How do I put this…” Kyungsoo shifts and stretches his neck, face somber as he chooses his words carefully. “I feel inadequate when I act. Not good enough. I socialize with the senior actors to learn, to soak it all in. But most of the time, I'm a nervous wreck on the inside.”

He chuckles self deprecatingly, and it tugs at Chanyeol’s heart. He tries to remember the last time he's seen Kyungsoo so vulnerable and fails.

But Kyungsoo continues, letting the words rush out before he can retract, “but you know what keep me going sometimes?”

Chanyeol glances at him expectantly, feeling the heat radiating from Kyungsoo’s firm shoulder next to him on the couch.

“That I know you must've felt the same way when you did all your solo stuff. Acting in China in a foreign language, doing fashion shoots, producing songs when people always look down on idol producers.”

Kyungsoo’s gaze is warm and proud, as he nudges Chanyeol gently, “your courage keeps me going, even when you're not around. Thinking of you makes me feel not so alone.”

Chanyeol’s lips quiver despite his best effort, “I always thought you had In Sung hyung and the actor gang.”

“Yes, but they are not you.” A smile plays on Kyungsoo’s lips, the tenderness of it seeping into Chanyeol’s mind, “when I'm tired, all I can think of is you. Your stubbornness, of trying to get good at things for years. And your damn optimism, that giddy smile even when you know you will fail but still try.”

Chanyeol can't help but chuckle, feeling his shoulders loosen up, “you make me sound so stupid.”

“You are. You are a fool but I love you.”

Before Chanyeol can respond, his lips are met with Kyungsoo’s, warm and moist and reassuring in the need. Chanyeol closes his eyes and loses himself in the fluttering of his heart. Kyungsoo’s hands reach in to cup his cheeks, and Chanyeol breathes a satisfying sigh into the kiss.

When they finally part, he sees the haziness on his mind reflected in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

And just like that, Chanyeol feels better. It's always the same, the same cycle of gloom dissipating the moment Kyungsoo is around, when they can finally be alone and close to each other.

Don't ever leave again, please. Stay with me, I need you.

Chanyeol pushes the thought to the side, as Kyungsoo’s voice pipes up, “wanna sing a song together?”

It takes Chanyeol by surprise but his eyes brighten, “right now? You wanna sing together?”

Kyungsoo nods happily, “yeah. Been so long, I miss singing with you, just you.”

Chanyeol sits up and feels excitement simmering within, “you know I can never say no to that. Lemme see, we got the few songs we’ve been trying to record since forever, I could dig up the files, I'm still tweaking certain parts -”

“Well,” Kyungsoo interrupts him gently, “I was thinking something more relaxing. Just a cover, or whatever, anything you would love to sing together…” his voice trails off but the sincerity in his eyes remains.

“Oh man, there- there are so many.” Chanyeol gets up from the couch and starts to pace, his lanky figuring suddenly taking over in the small room. “Amy Winehouse, Coldplay, Bruno Mars… how to pick! Lemme pull up a playlist.”

He hurries to his computer, and starts to scroll and click through folders.

“Dynamic Duo, Jamie Cullum, Bieber…”

“Bieber might be nice, a ballad?” Kyungsoo speaks up, and Chanyeol looks back at him with a wide Cheshire grin.

“Bieber…” he scrolls through playlists and stops at one song, “ohhh, there is one that I've been listening to a lot, mellow and goes well with just a guitar riff.”

The melody starts to drift out of the computer, simple and sweet. Chanyeol hums along to the vocal.

_For all the times that you rain on my parade_  
_And all the clubs you get in using my name_  
_You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake_  
_You think I'm crying, on my own well I ain't_

Chanyeol reaches for his guitar and tests out the chords. The tension of the strings under his fingertips is familiar and comforting, like coming home. Stringing chords into a melody, finding the beats in the song and moving his hand in sync to it - the process is personal and gratifying, like a calming ritual of his own that nobody can take away from.

He can feel Kyungsoo’s mind at work through his attentive gaze, observing and soaking up the song, picturing the harmonization and getting a feel for the range. Suddenly Chanyeol realizes how much he’s missed this, even more than the physical contacts, the way their minds link up wordlessly through music - moments of serenity when they forget about the world around them and just connect with their true passion.

Kyungsoo gets up to stand next to Chanyeol, eyes pausing on the lyrics Chanyeol pulls up. When he finally starts to hum along, Chanyeol finds himself lost in his warm and velvety voice as always.

For all the times you made me feel small  
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all  
I never felt so low when I was vulnerable  
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

“It's perfect.” Kyungsoo comments, earning a happy grin from Chanyeol.

The next time Chanyeol looks up to check the clock, a few hours have flied by, and the recording is done. They used a basic instrumental track, and the vocal recording only took half an hour of practice and two tries.

Well, half an hour of practices plus seven years of growing into each other, Chanyeol muses as he fidgets with the piece of music sheet printed for the song. The paper is filled with notes by the two of them - Chanyeol’s cryptic symbols and messy highlights, and Kyungsoo's comments written neatly in tiny fonts.

Clashing and mingling, in contrast but also harmony, just like the two of them. Together, the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts, and they create wonderful music.

Fucking amazing music, if Chanyeol may say so, as he listens to the recording on replay one more time.

_Cause if you like the way you look that much_  
_Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself_

The song is gentle and easy listening, but there's a spunk to it, a sweet yet determined attitude woven into the voices - take or leave it, love me as I am.

How very fitting. Chanyeol turns to look at Kyungsoo, who is curled up the chair next to him, shoulders slouched. “I could touch it up a bit more? Add some reverb?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, “it's perfect, simple and unpretentious.”

“Just the way you like it.” Chanyeol comments contently, feeling weary but satisfied. He yawns and adds, “if only I can post it, the fans would love it.”

“Why not.”

Chanyeol’s arms pause mid-stretch, his eyes widen, “really? You’d let me post this?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Well, yes! Of course!” Chanyeol beams, swiveling his chair next to Kyungsoo’s, “you never want to post the stuff we work on. I figured you don't like the attention, you know, on us.”

There's fondness in Kyungsoo’s eyes, his words come out carefully, with weight, “I want to post this. I want the world to hear it.” He leans into Chanyeol, one hand reaching out to loop through his arm, voice soft and wistful, “can I promise you something?”

Chanyeol hums affirmatively, with surprise written all over his gaze, “yes?”

“A song together. I want to make a song with you every year.” Kyungsoo speaks, “it's what we both love the most - music, and I want to give you a keepsake of our love, every year.”

Chanyeol feels a lump in his throat. He drapes his hand over Kyungsoo’s gently, and listens as Kyungsoo continues.

“Love changes, everything does. I wish we can be together forever, like this. But if we can't-even if we don't make it for whatever reason-” he chokes up on his words, but pushes forward doggedly, “I'll still send you a bit of recording every year to make a song. Because no matter how things change, no matter where you will be, I'll always love you, in one way or another.”

And that's when Chanyeol notices it, the way mist rises in Kyungsoo’s dark orbs, like hazy fog creeping up in the dark forest. His breath hitches, and a gasp escapes his lips. His Kyungsoo, the most resilient person he's ever known, who has always gritted his teeth through all the hardships since trainee days. His Kyungsoo who has never cried.

“No…” There's a trembling ache in Chanyeol’s heart, as he reaches in to thumb away the drop of tear by Kyungsoo’s eye. Chanyeol feels his world crumble silently as the shock and guilt settle in, “please Soo, please don't cry.”

Kyungsoo’s lips pull into a tiny smile as his eyes glisten, “I'm ok, it's ok. I'm happy, really. Happy that I can offer you something meaningful even when I'm not around.”

Chanyeols inhales sharply and responds, pouring all his feelings into his words, “you don't have to - I'm sorry, it's all my fault, oh god-” he grabs Kyungsoo towards him for a tight embrace, and mumbles, “-thank you, I love it-thank you.”

He kisses into Kyungsoo’s hair and continues, “I love you, so much it hurts. Things change but I'll always be here for you, waiting and fighting for us.”

He feels a satisfying sigh from Kyungsoo, as his torso relaxes and curls into his. Kyungsoo looks up toward him and responds quietly, “you better, or I'll kick your ass.”

Chanyeol laughs and feels his body still shaky from all the emotions.

“A song a year sounds perfect.”

Because things wear out, relationships change, people fade in and out. But music, music is the time machine that takes you back to that moment, immortalizing the love and preserving it forever. Music, in Chanyeol’s world, is the most priceless commodity he's ever known. This promise is more than he could ever ask for. And it takes two to keep.

Wherever I will be, however our love will become, I'll make this song, every year, for both of us. Chanyeol feels a silent contentment washing over him, comforting every fibre of his being. He soaks in the embrace for a bit longer, and feels Kyungsoo’s heart thrumming next to his own.

Eventually Kyungsoo speaks again, smiling at him indulgently, “So, still wanna post this?”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” Chanyeol responds. The thought of the repercussion looms on the back of his mind, of Junmyeon’s nervous texts that will arrive probably right after posting, of all the flack they will get from management for not getting the content approved. Blah blah.

Fuck it.

Chanyeol usually sticks to the rules. It's what he's been taught to do, drilled into him after years of training and trial and error. They all do. But in this moment, with Kyungsoo in his arms, somehow none of that matters as much any more. All the noises fade, saved for the only thing that occupies his heart, filling it to the brim with contentment and gratitude.

Chanyeol smoothes out Kyungsoo’s hair, as they both adjust their seating position. He takes a deep breath and lifts up his phone, whispering to Kyungsoo, “ready?”

The video turns out lovely in its casual and relaxed way. It starts with Chanyeol covering his mouth to conceal the giddy smile, then Kyungsoo peeking into the camera with bright eyes. The view then lands on the computer monitor with the cover playing in the background. It's perfect, friendly and laid-back, as if nothing has transpired previously, and it's all just two friends making a quick little cover recording.

The imagine of Kyungsoo’s glistening eyes tugs at Chanyeol’s heart, but after a brief pause, he presses the post button, and tosses his phone to the side, not wanting to see the bombardment of fan messages that pop up instantaneous.

In time, they will deal with the world in time. For now…

“Let's go home. I think Jongin is away. I miss falling asleep next to you, I always sleep so well.”

Kyungsoo laughs, “you mean, clinging onto me like a koala and hogging the blanket all night.”

Chanyeol scrunches up his nose playfully, “well I only get a moment before you shoo me off anyways. And I told you so many times, my legs are longer so I need more blanket.”

Kyungsoo glares right through his mischievous smile, and Chanyeol braces for impact - elbow to the side, kick to his leg, all the abuse he willingly takes for the chance at teasing Kyungsoo. But nothing.

Instead, he hears Kyungsoo’s voice next to him, soft and reassuring, filled with love that makes his heart thrum happily, “you're right. Let's go, home.”

 

 

  
Real men don't cry, Chanyeol was told.

Except they do, very much so, when they are tired and worn out, and when they watch their loved ones in pain. The tears emote unspoken thoughts and bond people together, as companions on the long and weary path of solitude that we all must tread on, even just for a fleeting moment or so.

For that, Chanyeol is so very grateful.

 


End file.
